Letters to Jeff Goldblum

I Am the Dancing Queen

Dear Jeff Goldblum,

Do you listen to ABBA? You would have to be crazy not to.

So I was sitting on the C train today, listening to ABBA, and I came across this little gem: “I Wonder (the departure)” (a song which I never would have discovered if my roommate didn’t own: ABBA, Love, a compilation album, including mostly songs about breaking up, which has a lot of amazing randos (“one man one woman” (difficulty of relationships), “my love my life” (breaking up), “the winner takes it all” (breaking up), and “eagle” (being an eagle) that don’t get the same amount of play in films and such). The song is about the time right after ABBA won the Eurovision song contest and they are about to go on the world tour that would make them the only band that mattered, or whatever. Agnetha (blondie) sings about whether she should leave her small town in Sweden for superstardom or settle down and have kids because when she returns, everything will be different, and all her friends will have moved on.

“I wonder, it’s frightening, leaving now, is that the right thing? I wonder, it scares me, but who am I if I don’t even try? I’m heading forward. Oh no I’ll be strong. One chance in a lifetime. Oh yes I will take it. It can’t go wrong.”

Seems like the right choice but, as you probably know, after ABBA’s ten years of fame, both marriages disintegrated (publically on “The Visitors”) and Agnetha became a recluse.

So I wonder, leaving then, was that the right thing?

P.S. The ladies of ABBA didn’t write a lot sooooo one of the boyz would have written it in “her” voice which is doubly weird. (This issue was brought up in the recent Steve Coogan movie “The Trip”)

P.P.S. “The Visitors (Crackin Up)” is the weirdest dance song I have ever heard. It’s about going crazy to a disco beat. Mahalo bro.

Post. Post. Post. Script. Do you think Robyn is like a one woman ABBA of the new millenium?

Movie Ideas

Yo Goldblum,

What if there was a lab tech in a clinic who would test himself for HIV every time he thought he might be in trouble. He would start doing it regularly, monthly, weekly, then daily (just like you’re morning coffee), until finally he was spending every waking moment testing himself for HIV. Wouldn’t that be weird? People are addicted to weird shit. How would you like to play that guy in an extremely frustrating feature? Joachim Phoenix also comes to mind. Play your cards right and you could be nailing Kate Winslet as well.

Mahalo,

Captain Jean Luc Picard

An Open Letter to Leonardo Di Caprio

Goldblum- I know this is a blog devoted to you but someone had to say something…

Dear Leonardo Di Caprio,

Hey bro whats good? I saw your new movie, Inception and it was pretty awesome. I gotta let you know that even though j g lev is super sexy you definitely out shined him in both the looks department and the acting department. no homo. Really Leo. Genius. Shear Genius. I cried like a baby otter. Which brings me to my point. In your short acting career you have taken some of the most heart wrenching roles of any actor starting with Titanic, fuckin Gangs of New York, and now Inception. Dude you need to chill. Calm down just calm down. Your whole body of work is a performance peace that is supposed to point out the frenetic insanity and pointlessness of postmodern life. We get it man but all this dramz cannot be good for your mental state. Maybe its time you did some healthy lying to yourself like everyone else does. Just say to yourself, “Leo, life’s not that bad. I can do a lot of substances and forget that being human means searching for a purpose that doesn’t exist and dying alone.” Is the last time you smiled this picture of you as a 6 year old. That’s rough dude. Why don’t you do a Michael Bay film? Better yet how about an Olsen Twins pic, haven’t seen one of those is awhile. “Destination Dubai” or something, that’s still kind of edgy. Whatever you do man, definitely smoke more ganja, not the kind that makes you paranoid, the kind that makes you sleepy. And always remember the example of the omniscent Goldblum: when shit hits the fan, go get wasted. Ok bro I gotta go get some hot asian booty. I’ll save you a piece of that.

Mahalo

Your Role of a Lifetime!

Dear Jeff Goldblum,

So i was thinking one day (yeah, sometimes it actually happens) and i decided that more than anything i would love to see you play Nikola Tesla: genius, madman, owner of Thomas Edison’s balls, and lifelong celibate (i know this last part will be a stretch for you but if you dig in and imagine a two or three day period where you didn’t have sex im sure you could be convincing).

Close enough, yes?  Middle-part and moustache and we’re in business.  I have confidence that you would do just as well or better than David Bowie.

Bottom line, we are talking Oscar material here.  Consider it. 

Dear Jeff Goldblum,

I wanted to cordially invite you to enjoy some night cheese with us, since you must be shooting Law and Order in New York, yes?  Personally, I am very disappointed that regular Law and Order has been cancelled, I cannot even say how much I have learned from Sam Waterson and Jerry Orbach over the years.  And since I cannot get behind the sexpolitation of SVU, even if Ice T is dropping knowledge on thugs, I suppose I am forced into watching Criminal Intent.  That’s not to say that CI is bad, it’s just that Vincent “Full Metal Jacket” D’…(italian name) scares me.  Too intense.  But now that your soothing presence and scatting abilities are solving heinous crime on the streets, I feel safer.  

On an entirely different note, who would you like to play your lover in a Fleetwood Mac jukebox musical?  You can serenade each other and feel the love and the hate and the eventual beyond the grave vengeful love through Lindsay and Stevie.  That’s how we do, under your tutelage of course.  

A New Opportunity for You!

Hey Goldblum! I have a new product I want you to promote. It’s called the I-Tampon. Ok nuff said.

Mahalo

Let me know

On Martin McDonagh

Dear Jeff Goldblum,

So, I’m taking this Irish Drama class this semester, right? Right. Yesterday, I had to read Martin McDonagh’s “The Pillowman.” Of course, glancing through the playscript, I noticed a listing of the original cast from the Broadway premiere in 2005. You apparently played the character of Tupolski (and Billy Crudup played the character of Katurian, a fact that will prove its importance later in my anecdote). After learning this salient fact, I proceeded to hear your voice echoing in my mind as I read all of Tupolski’s lines (of which there are many). Intermittently throughout the reading of said play, I would yell out “WHAT THE FUCK why is Russell Hammond from Stillwater getting yelled at by Goldblum! Jeff, I thought you were pacifist and shit, man! And seriously, Jeff, it’s just Russell Hammond from Stillwater. Stillwater isn’t even a good band!” This caused my roommate to fear for her life, and remind me that Russell Hammond from Stillwater and Jeff Goldblum are probably BFFs in real life.

I’m not blaming you, Jeff. I’m blaming the Theraflu and serious antibiotics I was on at the time of said reading. However, what are your thoughts on playscripts that contain a list of the original cast at the start of each (granted, now that I think about this, this is all playscripts).